So it’s the end of January and as functional adults we now have to do our super fun civic requirement of filing taxes. I do my own taxes since I can add and subtract using a calculator and I can follow basic TurboTax instructions.Last year we got a pretty good refund as we’re poor and had a toddler in daycare. (Fun fact: You can deduct childcare expenses! Not nearly as fun as if you didn’t have to pay childcare expenses!) This year we’re still poor but we have a special new deduction in the form of a newborn, so I’m expecting an even better refund than last year.
When you’re young and single and you get your tax return it’s like winning the lottery. “Yeah!” you exclaim, bright eyed and refreshed from not being up half the night nursing an infant, “I’ll buy myself something cool!” I too remember those days, when there wasn’t spit up on my shoes and I didn’t have to cut up someone’s meat before eating my own supper. I enjoyed taking my tax return money and getting myself something fun. I still *want* to do that. Unfortunately, since I have to pretend to be an actual grown up, I can’t.
I want to take my tax return money and by myself an iPhone I don’t have an iPhone. Everyone else does. I have a dumb cheapy little phone that I bought since I have that no contract Walmart cell phone plan. It’s an awful phone and I hate it and I want the fun cool iPhone that literally everyone I know owns. I want to be able to take pictures and videos and post to Twitter and Facebook while I’m out. I want to make Vines that go viral and make me an internet famous person! But I can’t, since I have my terrible ghetto phone. My terrible ghetto phone that makes phone calls and is fully operative and I have literally no real reason to replace other than I hate it and want the phone all the cool people I know have.
What I need to do with the tax return money is put it in the bank to save so we’re not living at my mom’s house anymore. (By the way, I live at my mom’s house with my husband and two kids. It’s exactly as much fun as it sounds.) I also have to save the tax return money to buy things we will need when we do move out, like a kitchen table and chairs and a couch that isn’t crappy and dressers. Actual useful things you need when you have a family. It’s awful. Since I have that Walmart cell plan I have to buy an iPhone out of pocket entirely, and those things are expensive. Like, stupid expensive. Like “this effing thing better grant wishes and satisfy me sexually” expensive.
Since I haven’t done my taxes yet I don’t know if we’re actually going to be getting anything back, but I know that every dollar is earmarked for some worthy purpose like furniture or something for the children. So I won’t be getting my awesome iPhone any time soon. Not being able to buy fun things because you have to buy responsible things instead is probably one of the worst things about being an adult.
On a side note: Does anyone want to buy me an iPhone?